Will you comment on my .."Farewell?

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  • on 01.09.09
  • creampiesca.com
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  • This dream fades, becomes a burden
    Time wasted searching for fault
    No need to lie into the future
    When truth rings out inside a broken heart
    Do not say the love I swore was pretense
    Though easier to leave had my heart lied
    Too long aware I've been that we are over
    Witnessed by these tears so often cried
    Easy to pretend I was mistaken
    Close my eyes, pretending not to know
    The dream was sweet but now I must awaken
    And broken hearted I will watch you go
    Perhaps these falling tears won't leave me longing
    This loss of one more dream, deep my regret
    In time this dance we've shared will be forgotten
    Sigh for what I've lost as I reflect
    Farewell I bid thee now as I am leaving
    Remember this as when our love was new
    This loss, this dream, may leave me grieving
    Yet smile, one memory
    I have of you


  • Excellent.It is an masterpiece.
    I enjoy reading and digesting it slowly like mellowing old wine.
    Keep it up


  • That sounded like It was written by someone like Shakespeare for one of his plays. very deep & meaningful, I do hope though you are only writing it as a sonnet , & not as your last farewell. You are very talented .& it would be such a loss for those of us who appreciate, the beauty of words. You need to date this & sign it & have a notary seal on it immediately. Placing it here without doing so , someone could claim it as theirs. or get a or whatever is required . all I can say is Beautiful! Oh & HAPPY HALLOWEEN


  • EMO


  • sweet! It's so real? If you are really going through this let me just say how I feel. Usually people bring out the words of what they are going through in life and I just want you to know how I really feel.

    :( You just brought tears my eyes. Are you okay? I wish I was there to comfort you. I know that it take while for you to get over him and I hope there somebody there you trust to talk to. I feel for you. Reading your farewell for some reason makes me feel heartbroken myself. And I wish I was there to comfort you and I am not just saying it I really mean it. Please do me a favor and give yourself a big hug for me and I hope you feel better. Keep your head up and don't let any looser make feel that way again. When comes time for you to recover take care your precious self and be carefully not to fall in love. Because when you are deep down in there, you might go through the same thing over and over again. Learn to control your feelings and don't dwell on feeling down. Pick yourself up and keep your head up. Be strong and you hang in there! :) Put a smile on your face:) May how heavenly be with you always. Yours truly sis! Take care God bless!


  • Sin, this is very good. No surprise there, your stuff is always good. the rhythm is done well and consistent throughout. You have conveyed so many feelings: regret, denial, self-doubt, frustration... The subtle rhyming is very good except possibly for "leaving - grieving"; that one is a little overdone. I would be concerned about the syntax in line 7; it seems like it was wrenched in place for the sake of the meter. In line 17, I would probably lose "thee"; you have not used archaic language elsewhere so, unless it is a quote, or an effect, I would not use it here. You might also rethink the absence of punctuation. That device is used sometimes to create ambiguity; but I don't think you really want ambiguity in this one, the meaning is too important. If this is autobiographical, I'm sorry; take care of yourself, okay? Very good poem, I love your work!







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